Off the Wall

Toni collaborates with Jitsvinger at Off the Wall, the weekly poetry event that takes place at A Touch of Madness in Observatory on Monday nights. On Monday November 16, at 8pm, the two will combine music, and their different styles of poetry for a 30-minute set. Jits will be on guitar.

an oxford sunset

August 2007, watching an Oxford sunset with Kaja Runa

There is something about the quiet understanding between friends, when a heart feels understood without words getting in the way, needing to be spoken. When I met Kaja, it was instantly like that. So when Arnie and I went to visit her in Oxford, and it was the first time I'd seen her since we met, it felt as though I'd known her forever. We watched the sun set over Oxfordshire the three of us. Walked through a boggy field to the perfect spot she'd been to countless times in her life to experience just a bit of heaven. And while it's been over a year since I've seen her, I feel no distance of miles or time. Thank you Kaja.

the lone runner

I am a lone runner. I run to get further away from you, to find me on the road, to find the innate rhythm between breath and beating heart, feet pounding tar. I run to find the words I’m too afraid to say, to imagine saying them to you despite my fear. I run to let go of all the unsaid words holding me back, to lose myself in the road, the trees, the passing cars, the stares from drivers, the waves from other runners. I run to know how I sit in my skin, to know why I cry and to know that if I can last 21.1km on the road there’s nothing else I can’t do. I run to know focus and determination; to spin the cobwebs from my dreaming head, shake off yesterday’s dust, last year’s pain, tomorrow’s angst, to find only today, the day before me, the one the sun has chosen to rise up on, the day that waits for me when I strip off these running shoes. I run to know my limits and to push them. I run to know what it feels like when I feel like I can’t go any further, so I can find the voice inside me that says I can. I run to know determination and perseverance on the road, in the hope it will spill over into all the other spheres of my life. I run to know me, alone, without anyone else’s nod, opinion or sanction, to know that whether or not you love me tomorrow doesn’t matter because in this moment, as my feet pound pavement, hips square, back straight, chest out, eyes looking to the horizon - I know what it feels like to fly. In this moment anything is possible but only one thing is real: me running this road. I run to know me, which, I’m starting to realise, is all any of us can ever really ask of this life...

Home...

Home is home. I've developed an annoying habit of saying these words, to everyone who asks if I'm happy to be back. I've been home for just over two months now. It took me all of December to shake the restlessness and the underlying feeling of not belonging. When you've lived away from home for a long time (as other travellers will know) you change, the people you've left behind change. And when you return, you have to find a new way to fit into 'home'.
Cape Town is my home. I love this city. The way that mountain stands over us, looming and spying constantly, watching our every move. She is a central point in our lives, always pulling us back to her, gently but firmly pulling us back. I love the way the smell of sea salt can hit you as you open your front door in the morning, even if you live 20km inland. And that black south-easter which when it blows leaves no man untouched. No one can escape its wrath.
But it is the people who have me disillusioned, not all, not even a majority, just some. Some people are quick-witted and funny, can make you laugh, but are weak in acting on their convictions. Some people are quick to judge other's ideas, their new endeavours; it is easier for them to throw a why or cynical comment at you, than simply encourage you.
It's tiring. It's tiring and oh so destructive and unnecessary.
I'd like to end this post on a positive note but the words won't come. For now, the eternal optimist is somewhat disillusioned...